Thursday, August 28, 2014

Corking is soooo 2008.

As with everything else in my life everything I do is at least 3 weeks late. In fact I'm so prone to tardiness that anyone who knows me will always time their arrival to meet at least 30 minutes late. This way they don't have to wait around for me to show up. 

The same thing goes for news. I'm always behind the times. So let's review some news, or as I'd like to call it: "olds".

Here's a picture of the police brutality that ensued:

Actually there wasn't any police brutality but it makes for a more interesting story if you really think about it...

Anyway, apparently this massive clitoris of cyclists was weaving its way through the streets of L.A. and "corking" intersections in order to keep all of its members together. For those who don't know what "corking" is, it's basically a few riders blocking traffic at intersections so that everyone else can roll through the crossing without getting stuck at a red light. It's a common practice with "Mass" bike riding events and one that even I find annoying. Here's a five minute video to show how happily motorists react to corking in jolly ol' London m8!

As someone who drives a lot and is always in a hurry (because I'm always late) sitting through a red light is already kind of irritating. Then the idea of still being stopped even after the light turns green would infuriate me, especially when it's because a group of cyclists happens to think they're bike ride is a freakin' parade (Parades also upset me - who the fuck are they all waving at?). So these ladies were observed by the LAPD while they were corking an intersection and they got a citation (actually only one of them did). So they got all upset about it and they want everyone else to think it's a big deal. They're claim is that they're introducing a bunch of noobs to cycling that are too scared to ride in traffic on their own so corking was necessary to keep everyone together blah, blah, blah. 

Well I have news for you; if you're planning a bike ride of more than 5 riders, you're guaranteed to have stragglers. Instead of corking the road there are other common sense alternatives that don't involve stopping traffic for no reason other than your bicycular enjoyment. Furthermore, even if you had a permit to cork, does stopping traffic and potentially pissing off drivers seem like a good way to promote cycling? To me it's almost the same as those idiotic Lucas Brunelle videos where he rides like an ass-hat in the most congested cities and grabs on to the wheel-wells of cars as they drive along the road. It gives anti-cyclists one more reason not to recognize cycling as a legitimate mode of transportation. 

Hello, I am a stupid ass-hat wearing a stupid-ass hat. - Lucas Brunelle (probably) said.

Anyway, to the ladies at Clitoral Mass who are wondering how to avoid receiving citations in the future, I've prepared a list of suggestions. Before writing them off as the ideas of an idiot (me) please know that I assembled a think tank of the greatest minds. It included this guy, that guy, some guy from my neighborhood and my best riding buddy. So you know this advice is SOLID.

1. Re-group: You've grouped once, and you can do it again! Simply wait for the slow-pokes to arrive at another point along the route. It could be another traffic junction, a Jack in the Box, or even a Taco Bell. It's even easier if you give everyone a route sheet at the start so they don't get lost. ("Excuse me sir, but did you happen to see a large bicycle clitoris pass by?")

2. Split the ride: That's right, separate the ride into a slow group and a fast group. Slow people will ride slower and fast people will ride faster. People will eventually fall into the group that's best suited to their abilities. Or they might just say: "Fuck it, I'm gonna have dinner by myself at this Taco Bell."

3. Stop inviting slow-pokes: Here's how:

"There's no easy way to say this Laura, but you're just too slow and I really hate having to wait around for you. Also, *Gina says you smell."  - DONE.

*Gina's a little biiiitch.

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